Although I call myself a food blogger, it’s no secret that I can be less than adept in the kitchen at times. In the spirit of increased transparency and hilarity, I would like to start running a semi-regular column known as Kitchen Fail Friday. I will regale you with stories of my latest or all time greatest kitchen disasters. Then, you can tell me your latest and greatest kitchen fails in the comments. I say semi-regular instead of regular in hopes that I don’t have a kitchen fail to share every week! But, let’s be real, they seem to still be racking up. The more adventurous you are in the kitchen the more likely you will be to have the occasional disaster, right? Let’s laugh along with each other as we share our kitchen fails and chalk them up as “learning experiences.” After all, “Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.”
My latest kitchen fail came just last night, but it is centers around one recurring theme. I CANNOT cook FISH in a way that makes it taste remotely palatable. In the “fish” category on this blog there is a whopping two, that’s right TWO recipes in nearly four years. One of them is deep fried, so I don’t really think that counts. BOTH of them are for tacos. If you take anything decidedly un-tasty, deep fry it, then put it in a taco, it’s probably going to be at least edible. Is there anything that doesn’t taste good either deep-fried or in taco format? I dare you to name one thing! So, in conclusion, the only way I know how to cook fish is to smother it in batter or seasoning, then sandwich it into a tortilla and smother it with other deliciousness.
This sad reality doesn’t stop me from trying to cook fish though. No, onward I press, week after week, fish recipe after fish recipe, kitchen fail after kitchen fail, with no sign of improvement. On a good fish day, I am met with the Taste Tester’s deepest looks of disappointment. On a bad fish day, and last night was a BAD fish day, I am met with gems of quotes like these:
“I would rather vomit than continue to eat this meal.”
“Dinners like these are what leads to divorce.”
OR, as we are watching TV before bed:
“I can’t watch Food Network because I am so hungry because you fed me a dinner that was inedible.”
Do you hope to one day hear these words from your family? Or, and I know for a few people this is slightly more likely, do you want to know what I did so that you can laugh at it/make fun of it/avoid a kitchen fail/thank God it wasn’t you this time?
Recipe below. I didn’t bother making it printable for obvious reasons….
Kitchen Fail: A Recipe for Divorce
- Everyone knows that any good recipe starts with choosing the best quality ingredients, so whilst at the grocery store, buy the cheapest fish it offers. Don’t be bothered by the fact that you have never heard of it and have no recipe or plans for it, you can figure that out later. You will also figure out later that the reason it was the cheapest is probably because it is the worst tasting. I used Ocean Perch, but many types of fish will work.
- Make sure to serve fish for dinner on Thursday, after a particularly hell-ish work week that involved getting carry out multiple nights. This will ensure that every vegetable you got at the Farmer’s Market on Sunday is juuust about to go bad and therefore needs to be cooked STAT. What goes great with fish? Asparagus, kale, and a hastily thrown together salad complete with broccoli, sugar snap peas, last week’s dressing that was not so good, and those toasted chickpeas you got in your Easter basket (editor’s note: this post was originally written in June).
- Begin to prepare the fish when your husband leaves work. Bread the fish in almonds and sauté in olive oil. Realize that fish cooks faster than you think it will, so it’s ready a solid 10 minutes BEFORE your husband walks in the door. Make sure the fish is overdone, since that’s the only way to be sure you won’t give anyone food poisoning. Cover with foil and hope it’s warm enough to eat when he gets home.
- Create a mustard cream sauce inspired by last night’s Cooks vs. Cons. This part will actually be delicious. Unfortunately your husband will later tell you that he “can’t really say if it’s good or not, because everything he could try it with is disgusting.”
- Microwave the fish and realize defeat is imminent.
- Serve the meal and realize it actually tastes worse than you thought it would. Who knew perch actually tastes terrible?
- Try to convince your family that what the meal lacks in deliciousness, it makes up for in love. After all, the only reason you bother buying all this crap is to keep them healthy and make sure they have a long life.
- Go to bed hungry….